swimming dreams
the tenacity of sand
transcending parents
last night i dreamt...
what a tune. i dreamed of swimming. of sunshine and blue water and diving and struggling lungs and kicking legs, clawing arms.
my swimsuit kept coming off, but i wasn't embarrassed, and surrounded by friends old and new, i felt very very warm and safe and seal-like in the water. i dove deeply. i was frightened once when i dove, skimmed the bottom for the length of the pool, and then upon my ascension at the other end, felt as though i didn't have enough air. not enough air. then a strange breath, still underwater.
"sometimes, i think if i try hard enough, that i could breathe underwater."
I was sitting in a bathtub in a hotel in london, trying to relax before the flight that would take me back to the states, away from my life in france, away from sam as i had tried to preserve him, away from the ability to pretend as though i could continue the pattern. I poured small handfuls of water over my bent knees and watched the water trickle down my legs.
"that's stupid."
never have i been so small, so exposed, and so young. we didn't work anymore. i watched the teabags set on the ledge of the tub, the ledge where he sat watching me, release their inky stains into the water.
"that's the meanest thing you've ever said to me."
i don't remember what happened next. in my mind he got up and walked out of the door. most likely he stayed, tried to apologize, said something nice or told me he loved me. but when i think of this moment i watch him get up and leave, and i think about the moment when you realize that the bath water is no longer warm enough.
it was sunny and i was swimming. so many faces were there that i have loved, idealized and glistening.
this scene appeared after much more anxious dreams. JL had shown up while sam and i were talking. Sam was so very angry, and i had to tell JL to leave, i had to hide him. i was guilty and sad and i don't remember any of the colors.
and then i was swimming in the sun.
